Oh Well at 9:13 AM

I guess you can see now, there's a pattern going on here.
3 months without posts (exaggerated), and then I come back and say "I promise I'll post more".

Not sure what that says about my character. You can probably guess that either I'm too busy, or I'm just procrastinating. Its a bit of both, but then again, when is it not?

I have been missing a number of days lately. Not because I want to, but my stomach has been very queasy in the mornings lately. I have night school I can attend, but that is a victim of my procrastinate lazy self as well.

This time though, I forgot my wallet. I didn't want to chance walking all the way to school on an uneasy stomach, so I'll attempt night school again.

A quick update on my life:

Becca is in east texas, summer home. She'll be there for a week with no phone or internet.
I already miss the hell out of her. I gotta admit, I was a bit nonchalant about the whole thing, which probably made her feel bad. But now that I've actually gone a few days without her, I really am feeling the loneliness. I really have grown very attached to her.

For the past month, I've been designing a world map for a Byond game developer. Its quite fun really. On the side, I moderate the forums, as usual. Not a whole lot of activity there, we really do need more posters, to keep the site alive for v 2.0. Who knows when its coming, I'm not even going to give an estimate, due to lack of tangible evidence as oof late.

I joined a group on deviantart, for writers. Its called Litgeist. Check it out if you want.

PBWYATHIS,
Joshua "Jacksterson" Elmendorf
OnFPS Head Writer/Forum Administrator

College Days of My Life at 9:25 AM

Well, technically, I'm not IN college. Actually, technically I'm in a colllege, but I'm not IN college. ...


Well, anyways, I'm well on my way to college, nonetheless. I'm eagerly awaiting the counselor that'll schedule the rest of my year here at my new school (which happens to be a college). More news as it happens. I promise my next posts won't be as short as this :P

PBWYATHIS,
Joshua "Jacksterson" Elmendorf

Oh wow. at 2:10 AM

It sure has been awhile.

I promised myself I wouldn't forget about my blog, but I did...

As usual, a lot has happened since my last post.  Nothing much that I care to share now.  Funny, I just noticed that almost all my blogs were posted really late at night and early in the morning.  Probably because everything is racing in my mind around that time, if I'm not asleep that is.

College is just around the corner, I have orientation next Friday, and on Tuesday I'm going back to the store with my grandma to exchange the clothes she got me for x-mas.  None of them fit, its a shame, they were ...  new.  To say the least.  Bless her though, its the thought that counts though, right?  

She tried so hard, asking me details about what kind of clothes and such, and in the end she got it all completely wrong.  Haha, but its all good though.  I love her, she really does try though, doesn't she?

I feel as though my creativity is slowly seeping its way back into the seedling stage into my mind.  I can feel the urge to write coming back to me, and let me tell you.  After so long without 'umpfh' in my head, its a blissful feeling.  Nostalgia has been running rampant with me for quite a while now, and that also, is very blissful.  

Things are going great with my girlfriend.  We're already six months strong, and June feels just around the corner!  It really is though, I mean, if you think about it.  The next six months are going to go by so fast, I just know it.  If you're reading this babe, I just want to say that I love you!

Alright, I'm out, as per usual, I'm extremely tired.

PBWYATHIS,

Joshua "Jacksterson" Elmendorf

Oh, and Ela-Raine Elmendorf

Such an elegant name, doncha think?

Weeklong at 7:38 AM

So I figured, if I have a mental block, I'm going to wait a week to let the juices start flowing again.  So, expect weeklong absences from time to time.

School is over for me (at least high-school), I'm going to college after winter break, and I probably won't start until February.  So I get a three week long vacation, w00t!  Also, happy holidays to the one person who reads this, haha.

My english teacher donated a christmas tree to my family, let me tell you, it really cheered us up.  A friend from school (whom I barely knew, but I'll be seeing him at college next year, so hopefully we'll get to know eachother more then), gave me and the tree a ride home in his truck.  Sometimes generosity blows me away with its unexpected arrival.

Our phones have been down ever since the storm we had.  Oh, I guess I didn't blog during that.  We had rain on a few days, then an all out storm on another, it was fantastic!  I love the rain, as you can tell.  I absolutely freaking love it.  Its such a rarity here that when it happens, I just want to lay out in the middle of the street and absorb it all to tide me over to the next time it happens.

But it poured HARD.  So luckily I didn't.  My roommate got sick last week, and I had to help take care of him.   Then my mom got sick, then everybody I knew got sick.  Look at me, not sick.  I wonder how that worked out?  Well it did, and I'm grateful =P

In work-related news, the winner for the winter contest has been narrowed down to two people.  I won't say who, but its very close.  We only have 5 days left until the winner is announced, and its getting pretty tense.  I hope my boss and I can come to a conclusion before then.  Its actually pretty fun though, I think I'm going to send a personal congratulations in the package when we send it out to the winner.  

Not much else to post now, I know there is a lot more though, I just woke up so look up (in later posts, obviously) to see what I have to say later on today.

PBWYATHIS,

Joshua "Jacksterson" Elmendorf

Running on Empty? at 11:21 PM

Or something along the lines.  I don't know.

Well, its Friday, and its the first Friday in a while where i have no idea what I'm going to do for the following weekend.  My girlfriend has most of the weekend planned out; a debate tournament and work pretty much fills her plate.  For me though, I guess the only thing I got going is to clean up.  How exciting.

I've been going to sleep very late the past few days for some reason, no clue why to be honest.  I just feel like my days are unfulfilled as of late.  So when its about time, I feel like I still have stuff to do.  Heh, its pretty lame, I don't even know what I could do to feel fulfilled.  My job is pretty much in the hands of my boss for now.  My friend's first day of work is tomorrow.  He actually just got the job yesterday, and its not technically his first day of work, but he is going in to help set up the workplace.  The construction of it just finished actually.

Yeah, this is the most exciting blog ever right?

Oh, well actually.  A few new things have happened.  The live action Dragonball movie just got its first official trailer out along with a few posters.  Its pretty awesome, here it is.  

Courtesy of IGN and www.dbthemovie.com

Other than that, nothing else is really new with me.  If I didn't make a vow to never use emotes in my blogs I'd sigh right now.  Ah what the hell.  -sigh-

Goodnight blog reader (at least I hope theres at least one blog reader).  Hah.

PBWYATHIS,

Joshua "Jacksterson" Elmendorf

Woe. at 11:37 PM

Things happen.  You know how it is.  I can not express how I feel right now.  Its just so... unexpected.  I feel blindsighted.  Yesterday and the day before, I felt like I had an epiphany.  I thought to myself "You know what?  Fuck it."  But because I said this before I even thought it out, I couldn't explain my words well enough to the one I care about most.  This blog is dedicated to that love.

You see, after watching this movie, Zeitgeist (2), I felt so overwhelmed by all that I had learned.  It was like anything I do in my life won't ammount to squat, because so many other people in such higher places of power couldn't do anything.  It was truly a humbling and even scary feeling.  I felt so relieved when I stopped.  I didn't even finish the movie.  I just stopped watching and did something else.  I didn't think of it for the rest of the day, and then the next day, I came to a conclusion.  One I thought would make me and my love happy.  

I thought it would be easier and safer to just give up and live my life, our life.  I had thought that she would want the same, and that we could just forget about it together, and live our happy lives together forever, and never have a care in the world.  It was only until she told me she lost her inspiration, that I realized what I had done.  The very foundation of our relationship was built on the ideal future of fighting alongside eachother against that which we protest.  I can't believe I had forgotten...

There is so much more to this though.  I always loved how she looked up to me, and how I fought for what I believed in.  It was comforting to hear from her how she admired my personality, when so many others had payed no mind.  It was a blessing, something that I couldn't possibly have asked for in our love.  I know its unconditional, to love and admire one another.  But this admiration was a deep devoted admiration, one that was felt to the core, and one that I was a part of.  Because of one tiny lapse of concern, one selfish thought of peace, I fear I have broken that forever...

Woe is me, that truly is a statement best fit for this situation.  What do I do?  No, I can't do anything.  I have to take it in my stride, its not something that can be "fixed", only realized.  I have to prove to her I haven't lost my sense of morality.  I have to prove it to her that I haven't lost my sense of justice, or my disgust for the wrong.  I am the same person, I truly am.  

Now, all that being said, I have to say this:  Think nothing of this.

Thats what I'll be doing.  Thats what you should do as well.  I want us to go on, living our lives as we have, unchanged and untainted.  I want you to forget the things I said in stress, the outburst I let loose.  I can tell you a million different things and they would all be the truth.  Not different truths, but all part of the same truth.  You may think it otherwise, but I say now that that is not the case.  I have more than one reason for the things I do, you know; as do you, of course.  We say such rash things in the moment of stress, such harsh things in the moment of fear.  

All that matters now is that you read this and agree.  Find it in your heart to know that there is no underlying subconcious thought inside of me saying "I hate her, I don't like how she is, she ruins everything".  None of that is true, none of that has ever crossed my mind.  Ever.  Never ever never never ever.  NEVER.

You have to believe me my love, you HAVE to...  I don't know what else to say, to do, or feel...

I need you to meet me halfway on this, babe.  Its the best I can do.

PBWYATHIS,

Joshua "Jacksterson" Elmendorf

Just no. at 11:11 PM

I've always prided myself with being a rather nonconforming individual.  You know?  I was always the smartest in my class, also the laziest.  I love things that most haven't even heard of, and I have a job that doesn't pay monthly, or even weekly, and I LIKE that job.  I've also always been into the conspiracies.  I even aspired to do be an activist, for years it was something I had hoped to be. 

After watching Zeitgeist and Zeitgeist 2, I finally came to a conclusion about myself.  I don't WANT to know any of this.  Whether it be true or not, I want nothing to do with it!  Its too much for one person to deal with, and I don't want my girlfriend to get caught up in it either.  We're too passionate about the things we do, if we get caught up in all that, I just KNOW we'll forget about our own lives.  I can't have that...

I believe.  In a lot of things, actually.  These movies haven't affected my judgment on Religion, but it has on a lot of things.  I already didn't like the government, and now its just so much worse in my eyes after hearing about how our economy works.  But through it all, I know this: There is more to life than the big picture.  So many people lose themselves in the big picture that the world doesn't need anymore.  I myself am not going to become one of these people, nor will I stand by and let the ones I love get consumed by it.

From this day forth, I'm dedicating my life to making enough of myself to move out with my friends and family, to a place without such a clusterfuck of labor and money required for an even STANDARD level of living.

In other news, the contest at the site I work at is almost over.
The site for those who don't know is www.onfps.com

Um.  Rant = Over, obviously.  I'm heading to bed in a few, so I'm out.

Also, I just discovered this new internet browser called Flock.  Its pretty useful for people like me with a billion different sites signed up in my name.  Integrated mail checker and such.  You should check it out, its based on the Gecko engine.  (Which is what FireFox uses, in layman's terms).

Alright
PBWYATHIS,
Joshua "Jacksterson" Elmendorf

PS.  I absolutely LOVE that sun I made from my dream.  I'm gonna come up with a name for it soon, and it'll be my logo for things.  So expect some kind of new signature or something someday.