Woe. at 11:37 PM

Things happen.  You know how it is.  I can not express how I feel right now.  Its just so... unexpected.  I feel blindsighted.  Yesterday and the day before, I felt like I had an epiphany.  I thought to myself "You know what?  Fuck it."  But because I said this before I even thought it out, I couldn't explain my words well enough to the one I care about most.  This blog is dedicated to that love.

You see, after watching this movie, Zeitgeist (2), I felt so overwhelmed by all that I had learned.  It was like anything I do in my life won't ammount to squat, because so many other people in such higher places of power couldn't do anything.  It was truly a humbling and even scary feeling.  I felt so relieved when I stopped.  I didn't even finish the movie.  I just stopped watching and did something else.  I didn't think of it for the rest of the day, and then the next day, I came to a conclusion.  One I thought would make me and my love happy.  

I thought it would be easier and safer to just give up and live my life, our life.  I had thought that she would want the same, and that we could just forget about it together, and live our happy lives together forever, and never have a care in the world.  It was only until she told me she lost her inspiration, that I realized what I had done.  The very foundation of our relationship was built on the ideal future of fighting alongside eachother against that which we protest.  I can't believe I had forgotten...

There is so much more to this though.  I always loved how she looked up to me, and how I fought for what I believed in.  It was comforting to hear from her how she admired my personality, when so many others had payed no mind.  It was a blessing, something that I couldn't possibly have asked for in our love.  I know its unconditional, to love and admire one another.  But this admiration was a deep devoted admiration, one that was felt to the core, and one that I was a part of.  Because of one tiny lapse of concern, one selfish thought of peace, I fear I have broken that forever...

Woe is me, that truly is a statement best fit for this situation.  What do I do?  No, I can't do anything.  I have to take it in my stride, its not something that can be "fixed", only realized.  I have to prove to her I haven't lost my sense of morality.  I have to prove it to her that I haven't lost my sense of justice, or my disgust for the wrong.  I am the same person, I truly am.  

Now, all that being said, I have to say this:  Think nothing of this.

Thats what I'll be doing.  Thats what you should do as well.  I want us to go on, living our lives as we have, unchanged and untainted.  I want you to forget the things I said in stress, the outburst I let loose.  I can tell you a million different things and they would all be the truth.  Not different truths, but all part of the same truth.  You may think it otherwise, but I say now that that is not the case.  I have more than one reason for the things I do, you know; as do you, of course.  We say such rash things in the moment of stress, such harsh things in the moment of fear.  

All that matters now is that you read this and agree.  Find it in your heart to know that there is no underlying subconcious thought inside of me saying "I hate her, I don't like how she is, she ruins everything".  None of that is true, none of that has ever crossed my mind.  Ever.  Never ever never never ever.  NEVER.

You have to believe me my love, you HAVE to...  I don't know what else to say, to do, or feel...

I need you to meet me halfway on this, babe.  Its the best I can do.

PBWYATHIS,

Joshua "Jacksterson" Elmendorf