Weeklong at 7:38 AM

So I figured, if I have a mental block, I'm going to wait a week to let the juices start flowing again.  So, expect weeklong absences from time to time.

School is over for me (at least high-school), I'm going to college after winter break, and I probably won't start until February.  So I get a three week long vacation, w00t!  Also, happy holidays to the one person who reads this, haha.

My english teacher donated a christmas tree to my family, let me tell you, it really cheered us up.  A friend from school (whom I barely knew, but I'll be seeing him at college next year, so hopefully we'll get to know eachother more then), gave me and the tree a ride home in his truck.  Sometimes generosity blows me away with its unexpected arrival.

Our phones have been down ever since the storm we had.  Oh, I guess I didn't blog during that.  We had rain on a few days, then an all out storm on another, it was fantastic!  I love the rain, as you can tell.  I absolutely freaking love it.  Its such a rarity here that when it happens, I just want to lay out in the middle of the street and absorb it all to tide me over to the next time it happens.

But it poured HARD.  So luckily I didn't.  My roommate got sick last week, and I had to help take care of him.   Then my mom got sick, then everybody I knew got sick.  Look at me, not sick.  I wonder how that worked out?  Well it did, and I'm grateful =P

In work-related news, the winner for the winter contest has been narrowed down to two people.  I won't say who, but its very close.  We only have 5 days left until the winner is announced, and its getting pretty tense.  I hope my boss and I can come to a conclusion before then.  Its actually pretty fun though, I think I'm going to send a personal congratulations in the package when we send it out to the winner.  

Not much else to post now, I know there is a lot more though, I just woke up so look up (in later posts, obviously) to see what I have to say later on today.

PBWYATHIS,

Joshua "Jacksterson" Elmendorf

Running on Empty? at 11:21 PM

Or something along the lines.  I don't know.

Well, its Friday, and its the first Friday in a while where i have no idea what I'm going to do for the following weekend.  My girlfriend has most of the weekend planned out; a debate tournament and work pretty much fills her plate.  For me though, I guess the only thing I got going is to clean up.  How exciting.

I've been going to sleep very late the past few days for some reason, no clue why to be honest.  I just feel like my days are unfulfilled as of late.  So when its about time, I feel like I still have stuff to do.  Heh, its pretty lame, I don't even know what I could do to feel fulfilled.  My job is pretty much in the hands of my boss for now.  My friend's first day of work is tomorrow.  He actually just got the job yesterday, and its not technically his first day of work, but he is going in to help set up the workplace.  The construction of it just finished actually.

Yeah, this is the most exciting blog ever right?

Oh, well actually.  A few new things have happened.  The live action Dragonball movie just got its first official trailer out along with a few posters.  Its pretty awesome, here it is.  

Courtesy of IGN and www.dbthemovie.com

Other than that, nothing else is really new with me.  If I didn't make a vow to never use emotes in my blogs I'd sigh right now.  Ah what the hell.  -sigh-

Goodnight blog reader (at least I hope theres at least one blog reader).  Hah.

PBWYATHIS,

Joshua "Jacksterson" Elmendorf

Woe. at 11:37 PM

Things happen.  You know how it is.  I can not express how I feel right now.  Its just so... unexpected.  I feel blindsighted.  Yesterday and the day before, I felt like I had an epiphany.  I thought to myself "You know what?  Fuck it."  But because I said this before I even thought it out, I couldn't explain my words well enough to the one I care about most.  This blog is dedicated to that love.

You see, after watching this movie, Zeitgeist (2), I felt so overwhelmed by all that I had learned.  It was like anything I do in my life won't ammount to squat, because so many other people in such higher places of power couldn't do anything.  It was truly a humbling and even scary feeling.  I felt so relieved when I stopped.  I didn't even finish the movie.  I just stopped watching and did something else.  I didn't think of it for the rest of the day, and then the next day, I came to a conclusion.  One I thought would make me and my love happy.  

I thought it would be easier and safer to just give up and live my life, our life.  I had thought that she would want the same, and that we could just forget about it together, and live our happy lives together forever, and never have a care in the world.  It was only until she told me she lost her inspiration, that I realized what I had done.  The very foundation of our relationship was built on the ideal future of fighting alongside eachother against that which we protest.  I can't believe I had forgotten...

There is so much more to this though.  I always loved how she looked up to me, and how I fought for what I believed in.  It was comforting to hear from her how she admired my personality, when so many others had payed no mind.  It was a blessing, something that I couldn't possibly have asked for in our love.  I know its unconditional, to love and admire one another.  But this admiration was a deep devoted admiration, one that was felt to the core, and one that I was a part of.  Because of one tiny lapse of concern, one selfish thought of peace, I fear I have broken that forever...

Woe is me, that truly is a statement best fit for this situation.  What do I do?  No, I can't do anything.  I have to take it in my stride, its not something that can be "fixed", only realized.  I have to prove to her I haven't lost my sense of morality.  I have to prove it to her that I haven't lost my sense of justice, or my disgust for the wrong.  I am the same person, I truly am.  

Now, all that being said, I have to say this:  Think nothing of this.

Thats what I'll be doing.  Thats what you should do as well.  I want us to go on, living our lives as we have, unchanged and untainted.  I want you to forget the things I said in stress, the outburst I let loose.  I can tell you a million different things and they would all be the truth.  Not different truths, but all part of the same truth.  You may think it otherwise, but I say now that that is not the case.  I have more than one reason for the things I do, you know; as do you, of course.  We say such rash things in the moment of stress, such harsh things in the moment of fear.  

All that matters now is that you read this and agree.  Find it in your heart to know that there is no underlying subconcious thought inside of me saying "I hate her, I don't like how she is, she ruins everything".  None of that is true, none of that has ever crossed my mind.  Ever.  Never ever never never ever.  NEVER.

You have to believe me my love, you HAVE to...  I don't know what else to say, to do, or feel...

I need you to meet me halfway on this, babe.  Its the best I can do.

PBWYATHIS,

Joshua "Jacksterson" Elmendorf

Just no. at 11:11 PM

I've always prided myself with being a rather nonconforming individual.  You know?  I was always the smartest in my class, also the laziest.  I love things that most haven't even heard of, and I have a job that doesn't pay monthly, or even weekly, and I LIKE that job.  I've also always been into the conspiracies.  I even aspired to do be an activist, for years it was something I had hoped to be. 

After watching Zeitgeist and Zeitgeist 2, I finally came to a conclusion about myself.  I don't WANT to know any of this.  Whether it be true or not, I want nothing to do with it!  Its too much for one person to deal with, and I don't want my girlfriend to get caught up in it either.  We're too passionate about the things we do, if we get caught up in all that, I just KNOW we'll forget about our own lives.  I can't have that...

I believe.  In a lot of things, actually.  These movies haven't affected my judgment on Religion, but it has on a lot of things.  I already didn't like the government, and now its just so much worse in my eyes after hearing about how our economy works.  But through it all, I know this: There is more to life than the big picture.  So many people lose themselves in the big picture that the world doesn't need anymore.  I myself am not going to become one of these people, nor will I stand by and let the ones I love get consumed by it.

From this day forth, I'm dedicating my life to making enough of myself to move out with my friends and family, to a place without such a clusterfuck of labor and money required for an even STANDARD level of living.

In other news, the contest at the site I work at is almost over.
The site for those who don't know is www.onfps.com

Um.  Rant = Over, obviously.  I'm heading to bed in a few, so I'm out.

Also, I just discovered this new internet browser called Flock.  Its pretty useful for people like me with a billion different sites signed up in my name.  Integrated mail checker and such.  You should check it out, its based on the Gecko engine.  (Which is what FireFox uses, in layman's terms).

Alright
PBWYATHIS,
Joshua "Jacksterson" Elmendorf

PS.  I absolutely LOVE that sun I made from my dream.  I'm gonna come up with a name for it soon, and it'll be my logo for things.  So expect some kind of new signature or something someday.

Birthday Last? at 10:17 PM

Hey!  I am writing a new blog after all!  Not even a day after my last one, too!  My birthday went off without a hitch, although a few things did happen.  First off, I was shot.  Yeah, hah, I mean it, I was shot with a gun.  Well, a BB gun, but a gun nonetheless.  Man that hurt, it probably would've hurt more if I was expecting it.  We were all walking down to Subway for a fourth-meal (I don't know why we were so hungry), and of course we just had to take the shortcut down an alley.  What do you know, a car drives by and these kids shoot at us with these BB Guns.  None of us were pissed, rather, we were just really surprised.

Oh.  This morning I had another weird dream.

  

Outside of my apartments (Which was re-arranged like usual) in the sky was the sun.  Although it was extremely distorted and I could see HUGE solar flares branching off from it.  

It was such an awe-inspiring sight I just HAD to re-create it in at least some small way.  So I sketched it on the computer, here it is:  

They said as I blew my candles out: "This is your last big birthday, you're now an adult, so live it up!"  I think I will.  But here this, that will not be the last big birthday of my life, for every year longer on this Earth I will cherish like my last.

The next big to-do would have to be the New Year's party.  See, every year I throw a party for all my friends and we stay up all night playing games and watching fireworks and generally having as much fun as possible.  So far its been 3 years straight that I've thrown a successful party.  The first one was by far the best party though, hopefully (even though I'm not exactly as well-off as I used to be then), this year will be way better than the last two.

Oh, of course, Christmas!  How can I forget?  Well, I haven't nothing to complain about, but it seems that others in my family do though.  My Dad's entire side of the family is skipping Christmas this year.  Usually one person (Grandma, most of the time) arranges dinner and everyone gets eachother a lot of gifts, but its not happening this time.  We're all so poor, we can't afford even the dinner!  I know I know, it isn't the presents that make the holidays, of course!  But they can't even afford GAS!  Can you believe that?  I can.  Oh well.  Hey, when all else looks bad, look at the basics, I say.  At least we're all alive and well.

Man, I've been eating a lot of junk food lately, thats not good.  Especially since I was on the verge of starting a really healthy diet.  I need to cut all this crap out of my diet like, now.  I'm definitely keeping it in mind tomorrow.  Though, knowing me, first chance I get I'll probably pig out on slop.  Oh wait, yeah I'm going to my friend's house to eat home-cooked chilli.  Haha, awesome.  Oh well, I can diet in between pig-outs, right?

Alright, I'm signing off for now

PBWYATHIS,

Joshua "Jacksterson" Elmendorf

Birthday Bash at 12:36 AM

So I'm at home right now, midnight-thirty.  Last night I invited a bunch of my friends over for my birthday, and we threw a little party.  About 8 people came, and we're still messin around even this late.   Peter, my boss, came and finally got me my own OnFPS jacket, w00t!  A lot of people didn't come, but a few came I didn't expect to be able to, so that made up for it.  I still hoped one of my best friends  whom I haven't seen in forever could come, but I guess he was busy.

In work news, I'm talking with a guy about hosting the Top Tier challenge.  Its a tournament for Soldier Front, a first person shooter hosted by Ijji, that is hosted by him and (if things go well) us as well.  Us being OnFPS, that is.  Only one day left of the weekend, and I haven't been able to talk to my girlfriend all weekend, she's been gone on a debate tournament in another city.   I miss her so damn much, but... its

 probably a good thing, I was going to be busy all weekend anyways, I'm glad she had something she could do so she wasn't waiting on me the whole time, I always feel bad when I'm busy and she's trying to keep my attention...

Ah crap!  My stupid chair just snapped and almost toppled me over onto the monopoly board behind me.  Hah, imagine if I did, everyone's property would be crushed!

I'm still writing my memoir, slowly but surely.  I decided that I'm going to write up to ten pages, and turn it in to my class, afterwards I'll keep on writing at my own pace, releasing them online somewhere in a blog-type style for my closest friends and family to see.  Its a big deal to me, because I hope to never forget anything about my past, its really important to me not to forget who I was and who I am now.  It seems to be a big deal to others because they honestly think I've had an interesting life.  Thats all and well, but I'm not interested in showing off my life, I am curious to their reactions though.  Who knows, maybe someday I'll release the really private parts to the public.  But thats too far ahead to guess...

Hey, I just noticed that today is Jakuza's birthday!  (A friend of mine on the OnFPS / OnRPG boards)  Happy Birthday man!  I hope you have a good'n!

I'm giving this Soldier Front patch another go, hopefully it will work after I disabled my anti-virus and firewall.  I still haven't seen Team Confound play (the clan that OnFPS sponsors).  I hear they're extremely good at the game, so I'm anxious to see how they perform.

Well, after designing that little birthday gram, I'm beat, and although I'm just gonna be browsing the web and doing random crap, I'm signing off for now, maybe I'll post some more tonight if things happen between now and then.  Alright well,

PBWYATHIS,

Joshua "Jacksterson" Elmendorf

JackSide Chronicles at 11:27 PM

Well, this is my trillionth foray into the world of blogging.  Due to time constrictions and memory lapses on the very existance of any of my blogs, I always seem to lose touch with my blogger-self.  

Yesterday was my birthday, and I am now 18 years old.  You don't become an adult overnight, as some seem to see it as, but the very fact that I am now legally an adult has struck a cord with me...

I haven't talked with my dad in such a long time.  See, he moved out to Arizona for work about 3 or 4 years ago.  I've visited him twice since, but its been 6 months since the last time we even talked.  A lot has happened with him, but now he's living a steady life, and has recently come across some money, so I'll be able to see him again soon. 

I miss so much the days of being care-free (well, I'm still carefree, but now its just considered irresponsible.  Psh.)  The days of my youth, as bleak as they were, will always bear a special part in my heart, and I hope I shall never forget.  I better not, I'm writing a whole memoir about it.   So far I'm 6 pages in, but I've had writer's block and I'm still not exactly sure how much I should put in it, I regret some of the things I did as a child.

But you know, you can't live life with regrets, because you'll be too focused on what you did to focus on what you do.  We can't have that now can we?  It'd suck to die in a car accident because you were thinking of something you did when you were seven, wouldn't it?

Anyways, its late (12 am), its Thursday... er, Friday, and I have school in the morning... um... I mean in a few hours.   

...

Right.

Peace Be With You And The Homies In Space!